With all this good news, it’s tempting to
get complacent about the 2020 presidential election.
Unfortunately, we hooked up our stupid democracy wrong
when it came out of the box, so upsets in state and local races
don’t really tell the whole story of our next possible Electoral College disaster.
And we have breaking news in the race for President:
a series of brand new polls from the 6 battleground states that determined
the outcome of the election in 2016, and could very well decide it again in 2020.
It’s tight. Wicked tight. Wasn’t that Walter Cronkite’s original sign-off?
“And that’s the way it is. Wicked tight.” If this polling pattern holds, we could be
in for a repeat of 2016, with Trump defeating the candidate
who gets more votes. And that’s not the only awful reason his supporters
are feeling good. Impeachment might be hurting Trump with some
voters, but in 1 very important way, it’s actually
helping. President Trump and the RNC are touting the
fact today that they have raised almost $126 million in the 3rd quarter.
The President’s campaign manager says impeachment is a big factor
for why they’re burying the Democrats in fundraising. He writes, “the Democrats’ reckless, illegitimate
partisan impeachment farce has his supporters even more fired up”.
Oh yeah, nothing gets Trump’s elderly supporters sloppy in the dungarees
like their President facing impeachment. While the Democratic candidates are frantically
begging you to Venmo them gas money, the Republicans have
more than $150 million in cash on hand. Pro-Trump committees have already spent more
than a half-billion dollars, and he doesn’t even have an opponent yet.
Half a billion dollars! Even I can’t imagine how much money that is,
and I have a robot butler that does sex. Trump has even figured out a way to make money
off his colossal fuck-ups, thanks to merchandising.
Of course, campaign merchandise has a long history, from
“I like Ike” buttons to Abraham Lincoln’s stove-pipe onesies.
But our most shameless President has taken it to a new level,
turning each embarrassing gaffe into a lucrative gaffe-ortunity.
When he got caught doctoring a hurricane map with a Sharpie,
the campaign started selling fifteen-dollar packs of markers that raised $50,000.
When Mick Mulvaney admitted Trump’s quid pro quo and told everyone
to get over it, they sold thirty-dollar “Get Over It” shirts.
And when Trump stared into the eclipse, they put out a high-powered flashlight
for blinding yourself to own the Libs. But all of this merch brings in something
even more valuable than dollars. It is not just the money but the data.
What are the demographics, who are the people they can they target?
And now cross-reference that, let’s say, with Facebook, and now you can learn
those people’s hometowns, their family, their friends, that commercial data.
That data has been immensely useful to the Trump campaign.
It’s how they found out their key demographic is “world’s worst white people”.
Trump also has sneakier ways of gathering user data.
For example, he gets suckers to enter their personal info
for a chance to have dinner with him. Lots of candidates run that kind of contest
but in Trump’s case, there’s no evidence that anyone ever actually
wins. Which is pretty low.
Normally, to get stiffed on a promise of a free dinner,
you have to be me in college waiting for my date to show up at a restaurant.
He’ll be here, I just know he will! You’ll see!
Whether we like it or not, Trump is a money-making juggernaut,
and that should scare the crap out of his opponents.
I mean, sure, Biden has raised dozens of dollars with his
promotional sock garters. Slogan: “When our nuts go low, our socks go
high!”. But if any of Trump’s opponents want to beat
him, they’ll need more than just cash. They’ll also need the support of a unified
Democratic electorate. So we’re here to help on both of those counts
with our new app, “Full Frontal’s Totally Unrigged Primary”.
Are you looking for a way to spend more time thinking about the election?
Of course not, but we made the app anyway. And it’s really fun!
All you have to do is join your favorite candidate’s team and
answer questions and complete fun challenges to earn points for them as you
drive the road to Iowa. You can change teams at any time,
in case your candidate drops out or says something racist or is Tom Steyer,
and your points will follow you wherever you go,
just like all your bad decisions in life! Best of all, you can even donate real money
to a fund called “Sam Bee’s Political Swear Jar.”
Last week I donated $6 instead of getting my weekly upper lip wax.
You’re welcome, democracy! And when the game ends, just before the Iowa
Caucuses in February, we’ll give the entire fund to the candidate
whose players have earned the most points.
Now I know what you’re wondering: is this legal?
Well, it shouldn’t be, but it is. As we get closer to the election,
it’s super important that we all unite behind one candidate.
It’s the only way to win, and this game will give us a little practice doing that.
So text “game” to 40649 or go to the Apple or Google Play App Store,
download “Full Frontal’s Totally Unrigged Primary” for free, and start playing today.
See you on your phone! Just please try not to drop me in the toilet.